Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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