My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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