Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
