Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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