I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
