My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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