20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
