a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
