Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
