we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
