we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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