I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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