I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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