this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
