She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
