I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
