so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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