I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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