We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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