Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
