I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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