you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Holy shit dude........stairs
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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