my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
