Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
