My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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