No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
