someone threw a dead crab at me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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