she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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