party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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