When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
