Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
