how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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