Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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