John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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