We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
