I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
