My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
