Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
