I accidentally burped into my bong.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
