She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
