i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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