and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
