I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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