i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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