I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
