the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
