Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
