dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
