Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
