Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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