i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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