I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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