i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
